我的前五分之一的人生中并没有美剧，不看美剧的原因是没有什么能让自己感同身受的，直到今年才 pick up 了生活大爆炸，外加仔细看了这一部，My so-called life。号称有史以来最经典的青春片，我断断续续地看了大半个学期。其实才五十分钟一集，但是总感觉没法连着看，看完一集就要休息一礼拜，然后再看下一集。
女儿和父亲的亲近与生疏，朋友之间微妙的关系的变化。喜欢上了一个最不该喜欢的混蛋，却看不到呆呆的另一双看向自己的眼睛。发现自己最崇拜的老师其实并不像自己想象得那么完美，或者在某些方面根本就是个混蛋。互相羡慕对方的家庭，别人的父亲、别人的女儿。一颗痘让人整天都不好了。有时候深陷于自己的想法中，有时候喜欢一个人到好像他就住在自己的灵魂里，过了没多久发现好像自己又没那么痴迷，但随便的一点动静就又让Angela坐上的那辆红色的车 ……我可以说每一集都很精彩吗，Angela 和她父母遥相呼应，还有慢慢响起的独白，Angela偏着的头、倔强的声音和那些让我不知道要+几个10086的想法，我看到了真实的琐碎的跨越文化差异却又 have a perfect connection with me 的生活。
下面是从MSCL的网站上摘下来的一些剧本台词，当然少了很多。根本摘不完嘛 ：（
episode 1 pilot
Things were getting to me. Just how people are. How they always expect you to be a certain way, even your best friend.
School is a battlefield, for your heart.
I'm in love. His name is Jordan Catalano. He was left back, twice. Once I almost touched his shoulder in the middle of a pop quiz. He's always closing his eyes, like it hurts to look at things.
My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying,"'How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was. You're lucky to get out alive.
The cafeteria is the embarrassment capital of the world. It's like a prison movie.
episode 2 dancing in the dark
If Jordan Catalano is nearby, my entire body knows it. Like one of those dogs that point. I'll keep talking and stuff, but my mind won't even know what I'm saying. I keep wondering if there's a term for this.
Lots of people, they try so hard. They can't hear the music. Then, they start to feel lost. So they wanna look down. Don't look down. It will throw you off balance, and you'll lose your footing. So, look straight ahead, look right into your partner's eyes, and remember to smile.
What's amazing is when you can feel your life going somewhere. Like your life just figured out how to get good. Like, that second.
We both stopped talking. Part of his sleeve was touching my arm. I don't know if he knew. Then everything started to seem perfect, for some reason. The feel of his shirt against my elbow. The fact that I still had an elbow. It was the perfect moment for him to kiss me...for him to anything me.
I have to say that when my father warms something up, it tastes better than when anyone else does.
You are so beautiful, that it hurts to look at you.
episode 3 guns and gossip
Grownups like to tell you where they were when President Kennedy was shot which they all know to the exact second.Which makes me almost jealous. Like I should have something important enough to know where I was when it happened. But I don't yet.The fact that it was a better time then. When people knew what they were supposed to do. And how to make the world better. Now, nobody knows anything. We know who is popular. That social studies is boring. Or that Brian always has stomach trouble.
That's when the change happened. Just like that. Somewhere in those few seconds, I knew my life would never be the same.
It's amazing the things you notice. Like the corner of his collar that was coming undone. Like he was from a poor family and couldn't afford new shirts. That's all I could see. The whole world was that unravelled piece of fabric.
episode 4 father figures
When you're not sure you trust a person anymore, say a person you really trusted, say your father, you start wishing they'd do something, like, really wrong, just so you could be right about them.
When someone compliments your parents, there's, like, nothing to say. It's like a stun gun to your brain.
You know how sometimes the last sentence you said, like, echoes in your brain, and it just keeps sounding stupider? And you have to say something else, just to make it stop?
I didn't know what I was looking for. Some kind of...proof. Something that would make it make sense for me to hate him.
What's really horrible, is being a witness while someone's parents orders them around. It ruins the conversation.
episode 5 the zit
Okay, so I have a zit. I have a zit on my chin. It's not the end of the world.
The worst feeling is suddenly realizing that...you don't measure up. And that in the past, when you thought you did, you were a fool.
It had become the focus of everything. It was all I could feel, all I could think about. It blotted out the rest of my face, the rest of my life. Like the zit had become...the truth about me.
Sometimes it seems like we're all living in, like, some kind of prison. And the crime is how much we hate ourselves. It's good to get really dressed up, once in a while. And admit the truth. That when you really look closely, people are so strange and so complicated that they're actually...beautiful. Possibly even me.
episode 6 the substitute
And I have to say, I don't think leaving high school is the answer —— I don't think leaving anything is.——The thing is—— is I kind of admired you.
episode 7 why Jordan can't read
Love...is when you look into someone's eyes, and suddenly, you go all the way inside...to their soul...and you both know, instantly. I always imagined I would fall in love, nursing a blind soldier. Who was wounded in battle. Or maybe while rescuing someone in the middle of a blizzard, seconds before the avalanche hits. I thought, at least, by the age of fifteen, I would have a love life.But, I don't even have a "like" life.
If only there was a button somewhere that I could just push to force me stop talking.
Huge events take place on this Earth every day.Earthquakes, hurricanes. Even glaciers move. So, why couldn't he just...look at me?
episode 8 strangers in the house
I wanted to hug Sharon, and tell her things, like how awful I felt, but, it was like I, didn't have the right, because we weren't friends anymore.
I'm always doing that, I'm always asking questions I already know the answers to..
Jordan : Uh huh. So you crying or something?
Angela : I guess..
Jordan : How come?
Angela-VO : 'Cause I'm lonely, 'cause I have no friends, because I'm a terrible, terrible person.
Angela : Because my friend's father is in the hospital, and he could die.
There's so many different ways to be connected to people. There are the people you feel this unspoken connection to, even though there's not even a word for it. There's the people who you've known forever, who know you in this way that other people can't, because they've seen you change....they've let you change.
episode 9 halloween
When I was little I, like, worshipped Halloween. And truthfully, part of me still does. 'Cause it's your one chance all year to be someone else.
Does anybody know Jordan Catalano? That question, like, got to me. I mean, I'd had seven conversations with him, and one really bad kiss, and one amazing one. But did I, like, know him?
When someone dies young, it's like they stay that way forever, like a vampire.
episode 10 other people's daughters
Each card has a name. The magician ［Graham］, the Empress ［Vivian］,The Fool ［Danielle］, The Wheel of Fortune ［an old couple dancing］,Strength ［Patty］...They represent challenges and tests. ［Patty kisses Graham］ Twists of fate. ［Cut to Rayanne in the hospital. Amber sits by her side, holding her hand.］ No card is all good or all bad. Cards can be positive or negative, depending on where they fall. ［Cut to Angela sitting in her window reading Amber's tarot book］ When you read someone's future, they must think of a question. They must hold it in their mind. The cards are read in sequence. Each card leads to the next. We move from terror and loss to unexpected good fortune. And out of darkness, hope is born. ［Fade to white］
episode 11 life of Brian
I became a yearbook photographer because I liked the idea that I could sort of watch life without having to be a part of it. But when you're yearbook photographer, you're like, never in the picture.
What's always amazed me, is fishermen. How they wait there forever, when something finally tugs on their line, they like don't panic. The strange thing is, even though I've established verbal communication with Delia Fisher, I still think about Angela. Constantly. Why am I like this? I truly sicken myself. I just have to stop being her little puppet; I vow to never again show up at Angela's door with some lame excuse.
There's something about my life. It's just automatically true that nothing actually happens. Somewhere far away there was a car alarm. One of those really annoying ones. But suddenly, it was the best sound I'd ever heard. So maybe this is what people mean when they talk about, you know -- life.
Jordan :So my feeling is, whatever happens, happens.
Her hair smelled incredible. Her hair smelled like the orange grove we passed when I was eight on the way to see my grandmother. But I guess that's just her shampoo. Or something.
episode 12 self-esteem
You know you like her -- would it kill you to admit it, maybe treat her halfway decent? Because you know, she deserves it. And she's not gonna wait around for you forever.
-Is she a goddess? Physically perfect? The kind of girl who -- uh -- stops traffic? When she walks down the street?
-No.
-So he's -- not in love with her?
-Yeah. He is.
-Well, why is that? Why is he in love with her? What is it ? What is it about her ?
-She's not just a fantasy. She's got like -- flaws. She's real.
Well, I mean, come on, I'm a teacher. How do you expect me to react to a ridiculous statement like that -- you don't join things? Who are you, Groucho Marx -- you'd never belong to any club that would have you as a member?No-nobody should -- hate who they are.
episode 13 pressure
I couldn't stop thinking about it. The like fact that -- that people -- had sex. That they just *had* it, likesex was this thing people -- *had*, like a rash. Or a -- a rottweiler. Everything started to seem like, pornographic or something. Like, Mrs. Krysanowski has sex. So does Mr. Katimsky. They both have sex. They could -- have sex together. Like right now. I am, like, the *sickest* person.
But maybe it shouldn't be. So simple. I mean, not that I know -- I know what I'm talking about, or anything, since I've never, you know, experienced this, or what have you. But even if I did meet the perfect person, I just think that it should be like a miracle, like seeing a comet -- or just feeling like you're seeing one. Seeing the other person's perfectness -- or something. And if you do it before you're ready, how are you going to see all that? Not that I would like know, or anything.
Sometimes someone says something really small, and it just fits right into this empty place in your heart.
People always say you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster, or something. Like you can know what it is, even. But every so often, I'll have like -- a moment, where being myself, and my life right where I am is, like, enough.
episode 14 on the wagon
Rayanne : You and Rickie looking at me like I'm gonna lose control, like any minute I'm gonna go on some jag or something. I just can't stand knowing what you're thinking about me.
Angela : What? What am I thinking?
Rayanne : I'm messed up. That I'm too messed up for you to be my friend anymore.
Angela : Rayanne, that's not true. I never-- I'm still your friend. Nothing's changed.
AngelaVO: But that wasn't completely true either. And we both, like, knew it.
episode 15 so-called angels
Patty : Were we wrong? Down there about Rickie?
Graham : No, we weren't wrong.
Patty : I mean, what do we really know about that boy, you know?
Graham : Virtually nothing.
Patty : We've never met his family, I mean, how on earth are we supposed to know what, you know -- what the situation is?
Graham : I know, honey. Except -- I think he does make you - you kind of uncomfortable.
Patty : What do you mean -- be-because he wears makeup?
Graham : No, I'm just saying -- what if that was Brian Krakow with that bruise on his face?
Patty : W --
Graham : Well, that'd be a different story, wouldn't it?
Patty : Graham -- you can't compare them. I mean -- I've known Brian Krakow since he was five years old.
Graham : I know. So have I. Now all I'm asking is -- should that make a difference?
Patty : Well, maybe not. But it does.
Graham : I know.
Angela : I want to bring Rickie and that girl over here for Christmas Eve dinner. That's right, I didn't even tell you about her. Mom, this girl has the most amazing voice. Seriously, wait till --
Patty : Angela., listen. You cannot -- go back to that place.
Angela : How do you know about that place?
Patty : Sweetie, look --
Angela : Don't, Mom.
Patty : We had to do something. We couldn't just --
Angela : I can't believe this. What did you do?
Patty : Your father and I -- overheard you and Brian talking, and --
Angela : Oh, my God, you didn't -- did you call the police or something?
Patty : Angela --
Angela : Mom, don't you realize, we have to do something. We have to warn them --
Patty : Angela, listen to me. You are not going back to that place. This is a serious matter.
Angela : I know that! Why do you speak like this to me, like I'm a child?
Patty : This girl, whoever she is, has serious problems!
Angela : you haven't even talked to her! I've talked to her. This girl -- she could be me.
Patty : Oh, don't say that! She couldn't be you. How can you say that?
Angela : Because it's true. ［long pause］ Fine. I'll put back the extra plates.
episode 16 resolutions
Angela : "What I was thinking, as like a New Year's resolution, is to stop getting so caught up in my own thoughts, 'cause I'm like way too introspective...I think."
Sharon : "I resolve to never again have sex with Kyle, or anyone, again, unless I really love and respect them."
Kyle : "..to spend more time with the dog, and Sharon."
Katimski : "..um, give up coffee, there, that's an easy one."
Brian : "I resolve, to stop obsessing, over Angela Chase."
Danielle : "..to badger Mom into letting me wear make-up."
Rickie : "..to find some place where I like really, belong."
Angela : "..but what if not thinking turns me into this shallow person? I better rethink this becoming less introspective thing."
Rayanne : "..to stop drinking, but this time, like, really stop."
Patty : "I resolve to be less judgmental, less critical, to lighten up! and above all, to be more supportive, and less suspicious, no matter how much it seems like he's hiding something."
Graham : "..to tell Hallie Lowenthal once and for all that I'm not going into restaurant business with her...and to stop all those long talks with her after class."
Jordan : "Wait a second, isn't tonight, New Year's Eve?
Angela : "..okay, so I'll stay introspective, but I do resolve to stop doing Jordan Catalano homework."
Angela : "The thing about resolutions is, it's hard to remember them around somebody like Jordan Catalano."
episode 17 betrayal
I loved Jordan Catalano so much, and talked about him so much, and thought about him so much, it was like he lived inside me. Like he had taken possession of my soul, or something. And then one day...I got over him! It was like Jordan Catalano had been surgically removed from my heart. And I was free!
Sometimes it's like I really think I know her. And then it'll be like, like we're total strangers.
What did you lose? You lost a lousy, selfish friend and a guy you never really had! You lost nothing! I lost a very good friend, I lost everything.
episode 18 weekend
My whole life, is waiting for something to happen.It's so easy to listen in on grownups' conversations. You just act like you're playing some boring game. It's truly amazing. I have the power to be invisible.My life is different people kicking me out of different rooms.
Patty : Have you been here your whole life?
Warren : Not yet.
episode 19 in dreams begin responsibilities
I'm not sure. With Tony, it was, it was crazy. We really did some pretty crazy and wild things back then. ［Angela smirks］ I did!
What can I say? But, uh, it's always tempting to lose yourself with someone, who's maybe lost themselves. But eventually, you want reality.
I did an undefendable thing. I created my own prison. And I have to exist in it. Maybe I had a...wish, or whatever. To punish you. An unconscious wish. You've heard of them, right?
Brian : Boy, she really likes you.
Rickie : I can't even believe it. I mean, it's such, like, an unfamiliar experience. I mean, do you realize, how much easier my life would be...if I could just like her back? I mean, Brian, this could be my chance. To be straight.
Dear Angela,
I know in the past I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry, 'til the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding, because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand, because it isn't you. I even hate this letter, because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is...so much more than a letter can even say. If you wanna hate me, go ahead. If you wanna burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell -- I'd go, if you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there.
Sincerely,
Jordan Catalano
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