Death is a serious thing. Though we don’t want to face it, we’ve got to talk about it. To talk about how we feel about it, how we are gonna face it. This kind of things shouldn’t be discussed before we die but right now. We need to think about death as we are alive. I don’t know why, but I feel so heavy now, I feel so sad. You know, after watching that BBC documentary about death, I’m panicked. I realize I don’t know anything about death, I don’t know how to face it if one of my dearest one is going to die. Can I handle that enormous pain, the pain that you can just sit there doing nothing but watching the guy dying slowly and painfully? And how am I going to cope with my own death? Should I die with dignity or should I die until the last minute when I lost the ability to live as a human being that I need strangers to feed me and to help me pee? Should I lie in bed watching my loves to be painful? I don’t think I can do that. I can’t handle that pain let alone making other people painful.
I have experienced three people’s death in my life. The first and second one are my grandparents’ deaths. I can’t remember that well cuz it was long time ago. I was little and the conception of death is very vague for me. All I can remember is that it was a long period. And I’m not so sure if I was sad about it at that time. Maybe I feel depressed just because everyone around me was sad. I remember being scolded by my grandpa’s sister for not crying on his funeral. I don’t why I didn’t cry. Maybe I just didn’t realize what does it mean to be dead. And I also remember when I asked my teachers to take 2 days off because my grandpa‘s death, she was a little upset ”Why again?” Because I had just done that 11 days ago when my grandma died. I remember feeling ashamed and miserable for myself. I suppose things would be better if someone could talk to me at that time. The third one is my aunt. Actually we are not relatives, she is just my neighbor, but she is one of the most important people in my life. I have known her ever since I was born. I had a happy childhood because of her. Or maybe I should say she had her happy last days because of me. She got an incurable illness, her body got swollen because of that and she seldom went out. I always went to her house, we would watch TV, paint and play cards together. She always gave me some snacks when it’s time to go home and would go to the balcony to watch me go home safely. She even got me a nick name that can be called only by her. I was the last person she wanted to see in this world. and she died just after the day I went to see her. I realized she was hanging on for me, and to see me was her last wish. That’s the first time I feel sad for someone I love is gonna leave me and there is no chance we can make more happy memories.
I love Bach’s music very much, because through his music I feel death is a natural thing and it seems that I can cope with it peacefully. I don’t why I write these things down and I decided to know more about death.
