谨启，路易‧CK

[Scattered chanting]

C.K.! C.K.!

[Whooping]

Louis! Louis!

[More join]

Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis!

[Chanting stops]

[Indistinct shouts]

[Shrill whistle]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Scattered cheering and applause]

[Cheering and applause]

Thank you.

[Cheering and applause]

Thank you. Sit down, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks. Nice to, uh… All right. Nice to see you all. Thanks for coming. I’ve been thinking about you all day.

How are you? How — how was your last couple of years? [Laughter] How… How was 2018 and ’19 for you guys? [Laughter] Anybody else getting global amounts of trouble, anybody else… [Laughs, groans] Fuck!

[Cheering and applause]

That was crazy… Man, I was in a lot of trou– Wait till they see those pictures of me in blackface. That’s gonna to be… That’s going to make it a lot worse. Because there is a lot of those, there’s thousands of pictures of me in blackface. I can’t stop doing it, I just… I like it, I like how it feels. [Laughter]

Fuck, man, that was… You know what? I learned a lot. I learned a lot — I learned how to eat alone in a restaurant with people giving me the finger from across the room. [Laughter]

When you get in trouble, you learn who your real friends are. It’s true — people like saying that like that’s a good thing. Who the fuck wants to know who their real friends are? You don’t want to know that. Believe me, you don’t want to know. It’s never who you want it to be. It’s not your cool friends and it’s not your fun friends. It’s your real friends. “I’m here for you.” I fucking know that.

I have this friend, she’s the best person I know, but I sometimes want to punch her in the face because she’s so nice — because I’m not a good person. Like, I’ll tell her something I’m having problems with, and she’ll say, “I’m going to pray on that for you.” [Groans] I have a feeling when she prays, God’s like, “Ugh! Fuck! This one makes me want to get out of the business.”

You guys think there’s a God? How many — How many of you, by applause, believe there is a God. How many people? [Cheering and applause] All right. About 30 out of 1,400. That’s nice. That’s nice. That shit’s over. It’s just fucking over. You go into a church, it’s like going to a roller skating rink on a Wednesday, it’s like… “This used to be something! What happened?”

I don’t know. I don’t think there’s a God. And that’s not a conviction. I just don’t suppose. I just — I just reckon there ain’t. I reckon there ain’t no lord. [Laughter] And because I don’t believe there’s a God, I fucking hope there’s not a God. I fuckin’ hope — Oh, please! If you don’t believe in God, you better fucking hope — you better get on your knees and pray. Please, God, don’t be. ‘Cause that’s a bad thing to be wrong about. That’s a bad wrong. You’re an atheist your whole life and you die and you’re like, “Aw, fuck! Aw, you’re shitting — with a beard and everything. Fuck! Aww… Hey, I — I dunno… Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Yep.”

Being wrong the other way is not a big problem. If you believe in God and you’re wrong, you don’t really have a problem. It gives you a little comfort during your stupid life. And then at the end, you’re just seriously disappointed for like a second — it’s the last feeling you get to have. You die, you’re like, “Nothing? Seriously? Nothing?” “Yeah, just get in the Dumpster. Sorry.” [Laughter] “Sorry, you’re just garbage now.” If you don’t believe in God, that’s what you believe — that when you die, you’re just garbage. You are your family’s newest garbage.

My mom died last year and we asked her, like, “What do you want,” like, before she died, we didn’t — We didn’t ask her at — “Ma! Ma! Fuck!” I asked my mom what we wanted — what she wanted to do with her body. And she said, “Just burn it.” That’s what she said: Burn it. What, in the yard with leaves? What the fuck? She didn’t want a funeral, no pageantry, nothing. So she booked it herself. That was her last act as an American consumer. She went online with a credit card and she booked her own cremation. It’s true — at a place called Boston Crematorium. Just this place that burns bums and dogs all day. They just folded my mom into the workload. We didn’t even know, just this guy showed up. “I’m here for your ma.” “All right, Sully, she’s in there.” And he went in there to prepare her. My sisters are waiting in the hall and he was in there for a while. [Laughter] I didn’t say anything. I’m just… Saying he was in there with my mom for a long time. That’s all I’m saying. And also that I was worried he was fucking my dead mother. [Laughter] Anyway, then he brought her out in a kind of a nice bag and… and he put her in a van. Just a — his van. It’s like a ’98 Ford Windstar with a bottle of red Gatorade rolling around in the back. It’s the last time I saw my mom. [Laughter] That’s what she wanted. [Laughter] She didn’t believe in this God shit. Just didn’t.

I was talking to my friend the other day about Jesus… uh, Christ, and, um… I don’t remember why, but I happened to mention that Jesus was Jewish and my friend said, “He was?” And I said, Yeah. Jesus was Jewish. And he said, “I don’t think so.” And I said, that’s okay, it already all happened. Doesn’t matter where you think. But he’d argued with me. He was like, “Dude, Jesus couldn’t be Jewish. Think about it.” I’m like, “You fucking think about it, you idiot. What d– What was he then? You’re… What, was he Presbyterian? What was he? Catholic? Okay, Jesus was Catholic and he had a gold chain with a cross. And when they nailed him up, he was like, “Oh, that’s why we have those!” [Laughter] “That finally makes sense. I didn’t even know. Oh, fuck, that’s me! I’m the little guy on it!” [Laughter]

Every religion has a strange story or a rule that doesn’t make sense to me. You know, like every time there’s a terrorist act, they always tell you on the news about how they believe they’re all going to heaven. And every guy who does a jihad thing and he gets 72 virgins, that’s right. That’s the story, always 72 virgins. Which, first of all, who are those women? Who are the 72 virgins? Does God have to kill 72 nice girls? “All right, ladies, uh, the good news is you’re going to heaven. The weird news…” [Laughter] Or does God just make ’em fresh like farm raised salmon? He just whips up 72 women. “All right. Nobody fuck these. I’m saving them for that guy.” It’s a weird concept. You get your own 72 virgins for all eternity. First of all, they’re only virgins when you first get them. Once you start fucking them, it’s over. After a week, he’s like, “I only have three left.” “And 69 whores.” That has to be one of the more confusing moments in God’s life when he’s handing off 72 virgins to some guy who just blew up a bus in Tel Aviv, and he’s like, “All right. Uh… The fuck am I doing? I don’t even know anymore. I need a drink.”

I’m curious about God. I’m curious about his life. I’m curious about God’s existence. What’s that like to be God? You know, we don’t know anything about him. I think one reason people don’t believe in him, because we don’t have a sense of God because he doesn’t say anything anymore. Used to talk all the time, used to go up to people on the street, “Hey!” [Gibberish] Writing on the rocks — “Look at that! Do it!” And it was conf– Everybody’s like, trying to figure it out. And then for 2,000 years, he just — “Mm, meh.” Nothing! Says nothing! And everybody’s fighting. He could clear a lot of shit up with a five-minute press conference. If God spoke for five minutes, he’d solve a lot of problems. He’d just show up, “All right, everybody, yeah, I’m the Lord. Okay, real quick. First of all, Mormons, just: no. [Laughter and applause] What is that? Just go home. Also, Jews with the little things, what the fuck? I don’t know… Put a hat on or don’t, nobody gives a shit. This is weird. I hate these. I hate them. I sent everybody with one of those to hell every day. I do. It’s just my thing. Just so you know. Do what you want, but that’s where you’re going. Now, you know. Also, I don’t care who you fuck. I don’t care. It never mattered. It was Adam and Eve and Steve. They were all fucking each other. I was jerking off to it. It was a great time. So it’s not an issue for me. I don’t know why it is for you. Have fun and use all the holes, that’s what I say. Also, you’re supposed to fuck the animals. That’s why I made them! Why are you not fucking the animals?! There’s only like 30,000 of you fucking the animals. What are the rest of you — You’re eating them?! That’s disgusting! What is wrong with you? How could you eat a perfectly fuckable pig.” [Laughter] Sayeth the Lord.

Well, it’s nice to be in Washington, D.C., where — I was born here. [Cheering and applause] I like it here, ’cause I like any city, I like cities. I don’t like cities that are too advanced. You know, I was in Zurich. And they have so much sh– you know, they’re like, “Here’s the bike, you want a bicycle? It’s yours. Just have it, it’s nice.” And they have the garbage with the eight fuckin’ holes of different shapes — it’s like an IQ test for a monkey. I don’t know what the fuck. There’s one hole has a picture of a cup, and the next one is a picture of a cup that’s a little different. I’m standing there with a dead baby, I don’t know where I’m supposed to… What am I suppose to do with that? It doesn’t go in the newspapers slot, but otherwise, I don’t know. [Laughter]

I like cities, I don’t like little places. When I go to Europe, I go to the big cities. Everybody tells you, “Don’t go to Madrid. Yeah. Just go to Madrid for like a day. And then you got to take a train and you have to go to [Gibberish] It’s a beautiful little old village and you’re gonna love it.” Fuck you, you don’t know me. I’m not going to love a village in Europe with a bell that goes “pang,” like, whenever, and a dog walking alone. I don’t like cute little places. I don’t like little towns in America either, with little shops. “Oh, look at that little shop! Let’s go in that little shop.” Nah, let’s get a divorce. Isn’t that a better idea? You go in there, I’ll just walk away. Just tell the kids I was a pilot and I got shot down.

I don’t like little shops. I’m uncomfortable in a little shop. You go in, it’s like, “cli-li-ling-ling, cli-li-ling.” Now it’s just you and her. You’re surrounded by her dream. And you can’t just, “Ugh!” and leave! Well, you… She saw you, you have to go all the way in now and look at all the little crafts that she made. [Laughter] [Exasperated sigh] You made this? Really? You made this instead of killing yourself? [Laughter] I fucking wish I was that mean. I really do. All my fantasies are about being mean, just having the balls to, like, walk in a little store like that and just go like, “Oh, I don’t like this at all. I don’t like it in here. Unh-uh. What’s your name? Debbie? Fuck you, Debbie. I don’t like your store.

I was in Florida recently, I don’t like Florida at all, it’s a shit state full of shit people, that’s what I think. Hate Florida. I hate it. I hate the whole thing. The whole — the entire — it looks like — it doesn’t look like a dick. People say that; it looks like a shit coming out. If you look at it, it’s like America’s ass, and it’s a shit that’s just — that you’re trying to… And there’s a little — Cuba’s like a little — Pbbt! That came first. That’s what I think of Florida. Every time there’s a hurricane, I’m like, “Yeah, get ’em! Get ’em all, Melissa!” No, I don’t mean any of that. I was just funnin’. Just fun to pretend.

I was in a sushi restaurant in Florida. And it was empty — you ever go in a restaurant and it’s open, but it’s — you’re literally the only person in there. You walk in, the staff is like sitting at the tables, you know, and you walk in, you’re like, “Are you open?” They’re like, “Yeah.” And you go, “Oh, good.” And you — and they’re like, “Aww, pfft! We gotta fire up the whole fuckin’ restaurant for this one guy now?” So I ordered a lot of sushi because I felt bad for wasting their time, and, um… And I — I didn’t eat most of it because I don’t like sushi. And, um — so the waitress comes over. She’s Japanese and she says, “You no finish?” Which is what she said. I’m not… It’s just what she said, I can’t… I’m not gonna change what she fucking said. I’m not gonna lie to ya and say that she said, “You’re not going to finish that,” because it doesn’t happen to be what she said. And I have to do the accent because it’s weird if I tell you she said, “You no finish?” So I’m stuck. I’m just telling you what happened. She said, “You no finish?” “Whoo, you no finish!” [Gibberish] That’s exactly what she said. It’s a perfect replica. No, it was subtle. She said, “You no finish?” And I said, “No, I no finish.” Because I think that’s — I think it’s polite to repeat people’s bad English to them. Otherwise, you’re being a dick, it’s like, “You no finish?” No, I am not going to finish. [Laughter] You left out a lot of words. I took the liberty of restoring them.

I was in upstate New York in a small town, and I was standing in front of a drugstore. And in the window of the drugstore, they had a wheelchair on display in the window. Is that really an impulse purchase? “Hmm… I should get a wheelchair. That would really help with my paralysis. Then I wouldn’t have to drag myself everywhere I go like I’ve been doing for 10 years since my legs were blown off at the marathon.” [Scattered laughter and groans] Okay. Okay. Bunch of fuckin’ hypocrites, apparently, because let me point somethin’ out to you. Let me point somethin’ out to you motherfuckers. You are just, like, seconds ago, laughing at a man with no legs crawling on the ground. You’re just — [Imitates laughter] And then at the end, you’re like, “Oh, but not those particular legless people. No! We thought you meant just some asshole with a childhood disease who deserves to be laughed at. Not one of those.” No, we’re laughing at all legless people equally. However you lost your legs: Ha-ha-ha, you haven’t legs. And we’ve legs.

I have legs — I have two legs. Two fucking legs — that’s the maximum amount. Fuckin’ love having two legs. I fucking love it. I wouldn’t like having no legs. I really don’t think I would like it. I think it would suck. I think would suck shit out of the balls of Christ. It’s an old Southern expression, it’s not…. Used like it used to be. I think two legs is better than none. That’s what I think. That’s just my opinion. It’s not popular. You’re not supposed to say that because you’re supposed to always be very positive about disabled people. But I think that puts pressure on them to be positive. What if they don’t want to be? Because the only story we want to hear is about the amazing disabled people — “He’s amazing.” “He lost his legs, then he won the leg having contest.” What about disabled people who aren’t amazing, who are just ordinary with a sweatshirt and some potato chips, and he’s going, “Fuck, I wish I had legs.” “No! No, this is better! It’s better with no legs.” “Why is it better?” Because you can do anything now. I can do four things. Fuck off.

I just don’t know that our positive non-disabled attitude really helps. Like retarded people — let’s — we’re gonna talk about retarded people for 20 minutes. Just — that’s what’s gonna happen. We’re going to discuss retarded people for 20 minutes. It’s not okay to not — never speak of them. No, we’re gonna talk about them. First of all, I want — mostly I wanna talk about the word “retarded.” Okay? Because the word retarded, it’s a bad word and people do not like the word retarded, they find it very offensive. Now, I’m a little confused by this because it wasn’t always a bad word. And I grew up in the ’70s and it wasn’t bad back then. And you most bad words were always bad, you know. “Cunt” never had a day in the sun. There was never a… a time where the Santa Clause of the mall was like, “C’mere, you little cunt. Tell me what you want for Christmas.” And then in the ’90s, we’re like, “Let’s lay off of ‘cunt’ a little bit there, gang.” No, the word — we used the word retarded in the ’70s, we used it to identify people who were retarded. [Laughter] It wasn’t controversial, it wasn’t like — [Whispering] “He’s retarded.” It was like, “He is retarded.” This fellow right here is retarded, right? I told you, yes, you’re still retarded. He is retarded, everyone.

And I grew up in Boston. We didn’t say “retarded” in Boston. [Non-rhotic] We said “re-tah-ded.” “He’s re-tah-ded.” “God bless him, he’s fuckin’ re-tah-ded.” [Laughter] That’s the way we used it! With love: help the retarded. That’s what people said in the ’70s. “Help the retarded.” There was a lady outside the supermarket near my house every Christmas with a bell, she was like, “Help the retarded! Help the fucking retarded!” You gonna tell me she was a bad person? She was helpin’ the retarded.

And I feel like we had more of them around back then. I haven’t seen one in years. In the ’70s, there was a retarded guy in a windbreaker on every street corner. They — we were using the word and they were more in our lives. I swear to God, they were more. They were in our culture. There was TV movies about retarded people all the time. “Tonight on ABC, ‘A Retarded Boy’s Dream’.” There was one I remember with Shaun Cassidy, I don’t know if you remember Shaun Cassidy, some of you are too young, but Shaun Cassidy, he began his career as a teen pop idol. He was a 13 year old boy with a very hit song called “Da Doo Ron Ron.” And he had feathered blond hair and juicy lips. He was on the cover of Teen Beat magazine, like… And everybody likes Shaun Cassidy ’cause he was sexy. Was a sexy boy. I thought he was sexy. I — I thought he was really sexy. I was six years old, but I already had inappropriate sex feelings for teenage boys when I was six. I was an old soul. I was — [Laughter] I was a pedophile when I was six. I used to go up to teenage boys when I was six, I was like, “Hey, how’s it going?” That kid’s weird, he’s got a boner. Anyway.. Not anymore, I outgrew it, but, uh… No. I’m not — I’m not sexually attracted to teenage boys. I’m not. I’m not. But I don’t not get it. I mean, I — I get it. I’m not like, “What?!” Like… You can see it.

Like, I was in an airport once and I’m walking along where people walk in the airport, and there was these chairs facing the aisle, and there is this family sitting there, a mom and a dad and two teenage boys. And they’re, like, just both sitting with their phones with their legs — they were wearing, like, these shorts — one had cutoff shorts and one had basketball shorts. And they both just had their legs open ’cause they don’t give a fuck, both legs just splayed. And then just this — just smooth. You know, just very… And I saw it. Didn’t give me a — didn’t do anything to me, but I kind of wanted to stop and go, “Hey, fellows, let’s — let’s close that shit up, huh? You’re not getting me, but I know you’re causing a problem for somebody in this airport. Let’s close it up.” I did not say that… Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

Anyway, let’s return to the comfortable subject of retarded people, shall we? [Laughter] So Shaun Cassidy: Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer who then grew up — he was about 18 — he was, you know, old and gross. nobody wanted to fuck him. So he started to act, and he had a movie on TV called “Normal People,” where he played a retarded man who wants to live a normal life — it was very inspiring, actually. And at one point he goes to — he didn’t do, like, a big retarded character. He wore thick glasses, he talked like Elmer Fudd. That was the whole thing. So he goes up to the guy who runs the group home he lives in and he says, “I want to get a job.” And the guys who runs it is like, you know, Republican, conservative. So he’s like, “You can get a job, you’re retarded!” You know. But — but then there’s a liberal lady who works there and she says, “Of course he can get a job. He’s as good as anyone!” So they let him get a job as an air traffic controller or whatever was available. And then… He meets a woman who’s also retarded, who lives at the group home. He falls in love with her. It’s a very nice love story. And he says, “We want to get married.” And the guy says, “Brr!” She says, “But they’re in love!” So they get married. And then one day he says, “We want to have a baby.” And the liberal lady says, “No fucking way.” And they just shut them down right there. And that’s the end of the movie. I swear to God, that’s just how it ends. And the point of the movie is just, you know, hey, there’s a limit — like, that’s, I guess, what the point of it was. And that’s pretty intense.

But, hey, retarded people were on television, we were talking about it, we were dealing with it — and they said the word retarded about 50,000 times in the movie. Now, we don’t say the word and I don’t see ’em anywhere. I guess that’s my problem with it. And also, the word is not basically a bad word. It’s a medical term, but it became a bad word because it’s used as an insult, really — not towards retarded people. Nobody does that. Nobody calls retarded people retarded to insult them. What would be the point of that? That would be like going up to a chair and saying, “You’re fuckin chair!” Like, what are you doing? No. People use it on their friends, like, you’re at a bar, your friend’s like, “I don’t have any more money for beer,” and you’re like, “You’re fucking retarded, you know that?” And in that moment, no one retarded is insulted. They’re not. Do you know why? Because they’re not there! ‘Cause we don’t include them in our lives. They’re not at the bar — How many of you have a retarded drinking buddy that you hang out with? No, you take ’em to the zoo when they’re little him and then fuck ’em.

This is what I find confusing about this thing, is that we told many generations of people that they are retarded. We told them that that’s what they are and they lived with it, and they dealt with it, and then we just decided it’s a bad word. So did we tell them this? Did we go back to them and explain this to them? “Listen, Nelson, I have somethin’ to tell you, you’re not retarded anymore.” “You mean I’m cured?” [Laughing] “No! No, no. Nah, we’re not even working on it.” [Sighs]

Anyway, I’ve been traveling. [Laughter] I went to France last year because I thought I should leave the nation — felt like a good idea. Would have left the planet if they had another one of those. But… When I went to France, I had a great time. I fell in love. I met a woman. I fell in love in France. And we’ve been together since then. It’s been nice. [Cheering and applause] Yeah, okay, it’s nice having a girlfriend from another country because you learn a lot about that country. I learn a lot about France from being with her. I never knew these things about — like, one time she was sick, and I was taking care of her, so I gave her — she had a fever. I gave her a thermometer and she put it in her asshole. [Laughter] Never seen that before; turns out the whole country, all of France, puts thermometers in their assholes. And they don’t put their eggs in the fridge. They have no respect for temperature in either direction. I’d never — I was like, why are you putting it in your asshole? She said, “You don’t do this? You don’t put here in America?” I said, “No, we don’t put a glass thermometer filled with mercury in our anuses… You fucking savage.” Well, we do it to babies and dogs ’cause they can’t talk. Every American baby’s first words is, “Get that fucking thing out of my asshole.” You ever take your dog’s temperature? You have to hold your dog’s ass still, and then you slip it in there and your dog looks to you like, “Why would you do that?! Why would you do that to me?!” And you’re like, “I could never explain it to you, but I need to hold it here for 60 seconds.”

Dogs are so dumb, it’s fucking tragic. It’s sad how dumb they are. They’re in our lives and they know nothing about what’s happening. You ever been having, like, a dramatic moment in your family, like, you’re in the living room telling the kids that grandma died, and everybody’s crying, and the dog’s sitting there like… [Chuckling] “I know you! Ha!” They’re so stupid! Incredibly stupid animals. They don’t even know their own lives, they don’t even — they can’t even handle their own lives mentally. You ever throw a ball for your dog and your dog gets the ball and brings it, and then you throw the ball again, and the dog brings it. And then one of the times you throw the ball, the dog looks at you like, “I didn’t see what happened. I’m sorry, I… I don’t know anything now. Please help.” So you point at the ball, “There it is, right there. It’s right there.” And the dog just looks at your finger ’cause there’s just no way he’s gonna get this concept that there’s an invisible line… …that he can follow with his imagination.

I have a great dog. I’ve got a dog last year. She’s a great dog. I did not adopt her, I’ll be honest with you. I bought her with money. That’s the truth. People always ask me when I walk my dog in New York, “That’s a beautiful dog. Is she a rescue?” I’m like, “No, she’s very expensive. Please don’t touch her.” [Laughter] I did rescue a dog last year, and it bit everyone in my life, so I un-rescued it, and I bought a dog that works. In New York, everybody rescues their dogs, like, “I rescued this dog. I rescued her. She has no eyes and she’s dead.

I hate New York, I really do — I used to love New York, but I hate it now, I really — I’d rather be in Auschwitz than in New York City. Honestly, I would. I mean — I mean Auschwitz now. I mean, today Auschwitz. Not back when it was open. I mean, now — it’s nice now. There’s a gift shop. People go there on purpose. They buy tickets. I think that’s weird… That people buy tickets to Auschwitz. That’s weird. If you could have told those people back then, “People are going to buy tickets to come here. Wrap your head around that. Jew.” That’s — All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, never again, I promise.

That’s what we say about the Holocaust: Never again, ’cause they killed six million Jews. If they only killed, like, 10,000, would it be like, “Okay, two more times, and then taper off because it’s a little much.”

I’ll tell you, I went to Auschwitz — this is a true story, I actually did go to Auschwitz because I was doing shows in Poland because I had to go to Poland to do shows. So… [Laughter and applause] So… I was in Krakow. I was in Krakow, so I went to the camp, and I went there because of a very personal reason — because I had family there, I had a lot of family there. Forty-four members of my family were in Auschwitz during World War II. I mean, they were guards, they worked there. No, no, no, no. They were Jews and they died. It’s okay. Don’t be offended. It’s true. We lost the whole family there, everybody — the whole — because we were Hungarian Jews. My grandfather on my father’s side, he’s the only one who made it; the rest them, all 44 of them, went to Auschwitz, which I think they really regretted. But that’s — that’s what happened, because the Hungarians sent all their Jews to — They didn’t — they weren’t even occupied, Hungary, they’re just like, “Yeah, take — take our Jews.” And they sent my whole family there. And they were all — died in Auschwitz, all except for him. My grandfather’s the only one who made it. Because he got the fuck out of there before it started — in the late ’20s, he fucking smelled that shit and he got the fuck out. And he went to Mexico. He migrated to Mexico. And we found his immigration card. My uncle and I did the family history and we found it. It says, “Nationality: Hungarian,” and it says, “Religion: Catholic.” And there’s a picture of him like. [Laughter] He’s like, “Fuck it, they don’t know what a Jew looks like in Mexico — that’s where I’m going!” And that’s why I’m alive, because he made that choice. It’s also why I’m not Jewish, ’cause he was like, “Jew-schmoo, we’re not fucking Jewish. Somos catolicas.” That was my abuelito. Became a fuckin’ Mexican fast.

That’s what happened, that’s how he made it. Was a fascinating guy, my grandfather. His name was Geza. That was his name. And he had a brother named Geza. It’s weird, but I looked it up, and here’s what happened: His parents had a baby and they named it Geza, and it died — the baby died. So they had another one and they just said, “Fuck it, Geza, just do it again,” because that’s what it was like. Babies died, it was no big deal back then. It was just like, “Yeah, that was a shitty baby. Let’s do another one.” “Why’d your baby die?” “Because it sucked — Why does any baby die? At least we found out quick. Fuck it. This one’s good.”

That’s what it was like forever until recently. The human race was all the good babies and the shitty ones, pbbt! That’s just the way it worked. It’s not like that now. Now we save every baby. The shittier the baby, the bigger the effort. Because we love it, we love saving the shitty babies. There’s always a documentary, “Look at this baby. He’s a fucking mess. Do you see that shit? We’re gonna save it, make it live.” And the baby’s like, “Please don’t!” But we’d rather — we don’t like when babies die, we get more upset when a baby dies. Who knows this baby? “Did you hear about Jeff?” No, he was here for one day. Nobody met him. And then if you die when you’re old, nobody gives a shit. They’re lie, “Eh, he was here long enough, fuck ’em.” You ever tell somebody, like, your grandmother di– “My grandmother died.” They’re like, “I’m so sorry. How old was she?” “She was 98.” “Oh. So why’d you even tell me?”

I’m 52 and I like my 50s, I like this part of my life. It’s my favorite so far. I’ll tell you why. Because I can still move around pretty good. And I don’t have long to live. I view that as a positive. Because life is a lot of pressure. The more life you have ahead of you, the more problems you have. Like, if you’re 20, you might have 70 years to try not to be homeless or alone during. But I can — I got maybe 24 years left. I can handle that, like, that’s an amount of time, like, “Oh, yeah, I can fucking do that. I can cover 24 years.” And it gets easier every year less that I have. Like, I bought a winter coat the other day I was like, “This is my last coat. I don’t need a bunch of these. Gets easier.

I used to — I used to think I have to — I need to find a woman who will be with me forever. I need string of girlfriends at this point. Just a few more girl– I need three women in their 40s to get me through my 50s, and two in their 50s to get me through my 60s. And then when I’m 75, 21 years old. That’s when I’m doing that. Twenty one, she gets the rest of my money. Just blow me to my grave and keep the change. [Laughter] That’s the offer on the table for anybody who’s 21 when I’m 75. She hasn’t been born yet, but we’ll see with the… we’ll see what the new crop brings.

My French girlfriend, she’s 42, which is perfect. She’s pornographically hot, but she’s willing to fuck this mess. Because you — really you have to be over 40 to have the compassion and the sense of humor to fuck around… She likes to be on top, which I think is, that’s ’cause that’s the best that I ever look is laying on my back because you just — all the skin lays where it belongs. Like it just drapes nicely. I like about 49 and a half when I’m on my back. And if I get on top of her, I just — it comes off. It comes away from the bone like barbecued pork. And this shit, when you hang this, it’s all red and bumpy. It’s like the roof of a cave. It’s a nightmare. And my tits are like flappy triangles with red tips. They look like candy corn that somebody stepped on.

But it’s nice, uh… nice having a girlfriend, it’s better than being married because, you know, with a girlfriend you can switch, and, uh… Marriage is — fuck, that’s hard. I feel bad for people that are in bad marriages. That’s — if you’re in a bad marriage, by the way, you know what you should do? Just at stay home. Don’t make people — just self-quarantine. Don’t make people fucking look at you. You know, those couples that come over for dinner and they’re holding a gun to each other’s heads like, “Hi, thanks for having us.” Fuck. There’s always that awful moment at dinner. One of them’s like, “We saw that show on Wednesday.” The other one’s like, “It wasn’t Wednesday.” We’re going to fucking puke because of your life. Oh, that’s bad.

I was on an airplane one time and a married couple came on and they had been sat separately. There was some mistake. So they’re trying to figure it out. And the woman, she’s supposed to sit here, she comes up to me. She says, “Would you mind moving so I can sit with my husband?” And he’s behind her. He’s like… And I wanted to help them, but what am I going to say to his wife? Just, “No, I won’t move.” Then I have to sit with her. So I just got off the plane. I didn’t go on the trip. I got off the plane and it took off and it hit the World Trade Center. So that was… Yeah, that was bad. I’ll never forget that day. Ah, fuck, that was so unnecessary. That was wildly unnecessary. I dunno, man. I’m sorry. I’m fucking mentally ill, I don’t know…

I’ve been thinking about this: I think the thing is, I think — I think I learned too early in my life that when I say something and people get angry, I just like how that feels. I don’t know why, but I learned it too early, I think that’s the problem. I learned that when I was 6. That’s too young for that kind of… You know, I learned all the bad words when I was 6. I learned them all in one day from this old dude who hung around our neighborhood. I don’t know if he lived there or what, but there this old dude with a shitty coat and a dark tooth that was always walking around my neighborhood. And if you’re a kid walking alone, he’d walk up and, “Hey,” talk to you — because it was the ’70s. You could just walk up to kids and talk to ’em. Now you can’t even fuck ’em, it’s crazy how things are… [Laughter]

Sorry. I know it’s wrong to fuck kids, by the way, just to be clear, I know that fucking children is wrong. I don’t even need to be told. I just know that it’s wrong. I would know it was wrong, even if it was popular. Even if people were like, “You should fucking kids, it’s great,” I wouldn’t do it. Even if the kids came out to me all the time, “You should fuck me, I like it. I wouldn’t mind at all.” I would say, “No thank you, young man.” Even if doctors proved… [Laughs] …that it was beneficial to the health of children to fuck them, I wouldn’t do it. I would — I would — I wouldn’t fuck a kid to save his life. That’s… Even even if somebody said to me, “If you fuck just this one kid, then no kid will ever get fucked ever again.” I might have to fuck that one kid. That might be the right thing to do. I’m saving all those kids. Oh, I’m saving them all. Not you, not you. You’re the last one. It’s hypothetically.

Anyway, so the old man came up to me on the street and he and he said, “Hey, do you want to know all the bad words? And I said, “Yes, I think I do.” So he’s like, “All right. Okay. Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ass, cock, diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum.” And I was like, “Oh!” Just felt so good. I went to school, I went right up to my teacher, I said, “Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls, ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart.” And she started crying. It’s a true story. She was like — [Imitates wailing] Started crying. I had a boner. I was so happy. It was the best moment of my life. I had to go to the principal’s office. He said, “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” I said, “No, but I eat her pussy with it.” [Laughter] Yeah. Yeah. [Laughs] Yeah!

[Applause]

Anyway, relationships are tough. That’s what I’m talking about. I used to date a woman who was a vegan, so I had to fuck her with my dick substitute and, uh… ‘Member when meeting a vegan was weird? Remember when there was like a strange thing, like, “Oh, what is — what is that?” Like, you probably met your first vegan in the ’90s. You had like a dinner party and somebody brought a vegan and they said, “Just so you know, I’m vegan,” and you’re like, “I’m sorry, you’re a vegetarian?” And they’re like, “Heh, no.” All right, what is the thing? And they tell all the… Huh? Okay. Uh-huh. Yeah, I have no food for you. You can eat a napkin and shit paper, I don’t care. But then you met another vegan and you’re like, “Okay,” and then — and now they’re everywhere, now who cares? There’s several vegans and restaurants and whatever. It’s kind of like gay people sort of a similar trajectory of growth and acceptance in the culture. You know? Gay people and vegans have a lot in common — like, they both have to tell their families at Thanksgiving. That’s when they have to tell them. And Dad gets angry. “Your mother worked all night cooking that turkey, and you’re telling me you’re a fucking faggot?!” You know, it’s drama.

But those are the old days, things are better now. I think it’s pretty amazing when you think about it. People used to say that being gay was wrong. Pretty recently, folks used to — like, most people used to say that being gay was wrong, ‘course it’s not wrong to be gay. I mean, it’s pretty gay but it’s not wrong, but that’s what people used to say. And now nobody says that. And I think that’s a positive change. I think that’s a good thing, although I do wonder if there are gay people who miss when it was wrong. Maybe there’s a few who miss when it was — ’cause wasn’t it a little more fun, when it was like, “This is fucking crazy.” Didn’t that… Didn’t give it a little zhuzh. A little… I could lose my job. Aw, fuck… Because… Now they’re like everybody else, which is great. And they can get married. That’s terrific. But is that fun to fuck your husband at your house? Wasn’t it more fun to be in an old nightclub at 4:00 in the morning, like, “I’m breaking my mother’s heart. Oh, yeah.”

I don’t know, I don’t even mean just gay people, just some people like when sex is a little fucked up. You know? “Some people!” Some people like when sex is a little fucked up. [Chuckles] All right. [Laughs] No… All right now, you want to talk about this? Should we talk about it?

[Cheering and applause]

Yeah, all right, all right. I don’t mind — I don’t mind talking about it. Okay. Um… [Laughs] Here’s what — I’ll give you some advice. Here’s some advice that really only I can give you. Here’s my advice: if you ever ask somebody, “Can I jerk off in front of you?” [Scattered laughter] Let me finish. I mean — [Laughter and applause] I mean… Let me finish what I’m saying! Ah… Ah, fuck. Okay. If you’ve ever ask somebody, “May I jerk off in front of you,” and they say yes, just say, “Are you sure?” That’s the first part. And then if they say yes, just don’t fucking do it. Just — just don’t do it. ‘Cause, look, whatever you’re into, okay? ‘Cause everybody’s got their thing. Whatever your thing is, I don’t know. You all have your thing. I don’t know what your thing is. You’re so fucking lucky that I don’t know what you’re thing is. Do you understand how lucky you are that people don’t know your fucking thing? ‘Cause everybody knows my thing. Everybody knows my fucking thing now. Obama knows my thing. Do you understand how that feels? To know that Obama was like, “Good lord!” Everybody in the world knows my thing. I got on an airplane in Italy, this little kid was like, “Mama, that’s the guy who jerk off in front of the people!”

So whatever your thing is, I don’t know what it is, maybe you can’t cum unless you have your father on speaker phone, whatever it is. If you want to do it with somebody else, you need to ask first, but if they say yes, you still don’t get to just go, “Whoo!” And charge ahead — gotta check in often. I guess that’s what I would say. Check in, because it’s not always clear how people feel. Like, men are taught to make sure the woman is okay. But the thing is, women know how to seem okay when they’re not okay. So you can’t just look at her face be like, “Yeah, her eyes are dry. We’re fine. We’ll just keep going” — You gotta check in. ‘Cause sex — communication, during sex can be very confusing, like, sometimes, you’re with a woman, you’re having sex, she’s making noises, she’s going, like, “Ooh, ahh.” And you’re like, “Oh, she loves it.” Not necessarily. Sometimes they’re making those noises just to get through it, because it’s easier to go, “Ooh,” than to say, “I hate how you fuck me. Honestly, it’s awful.” So she goes, “Ooh, baby!” It’s kind of like a Negro spiritual, it’s sort of similar. So to assume that she likes it is like if they heard slaves singing in the fields, and they’re like, “Hey, you’re having a great time out there!”

[Laughter]

As far as my thing — I dunno what the fuck… People are like, “Why do you want to do it anyway?” Okay, oh, no. I like jerking off, I don’t like being alone. That’s all I can tell you. I — I get lonely! “Where is everyone?” It’s just sad. I like company. I like to share. I’m good at it, too. If you’re good at juggling, you wouldn’t do it alone in the dark. You would gather folks and amaze them. [Laughter] Anyway, that’s all I’m going to say about that shit.

[Cheering and applause]

[Chuckles] Well… [Chuckles] Let me ask you a question. You ever wonder how many people ever fucked your mom? We’re almost done. You’re doing great. This is important to me. You ever look at your mom and go, like, “Mom, how many dicks? Just how many?” I lost my mom. So those are the things I don’t know. So I’m curious. I don’t feel like a lot of dudes fucked my mom. Not ’cause she’s, like, pure, because, like, I don’t think so. But I hope it was as many as she wanted. That’s what I hope — I hope she got all the dicks she ever dreamed of because I loved her. I hope at the end, my mom was like, “That with plenty of dicks. Whew-hoo!” But I’ll never know — because you don’t know your mom. That’s the truth — you don’t really know your mother. You feel like you know her, but you know what she told you. She didn’t tell you shit. You don’t tell your kids your life. What did your mother tell you? “I won a swimming medal when I was 12.” She didn’t tell you, like, “I used to fuck this guy at work, it was amazing.” She didn’t tell you that. Think about your mom’s life story as she told it to you. There’s huge holes in that story. “Well, I graduated when I was 22 and then I met your father when I was 35.” “Feels like a lot of dicks would fit right in there, Mom.”

You know those movies where you’re — where a mother and a daughter switch bodies. You ever seen a movie like — it’s always like, “Freaky Friday,” some Disney comedy where a mother and a daughter switch bodies and then they’re like, “Whoa!” Then they have to water ski and be in a rock band together. And then they switch back and they know each other better. That’s the formula I think they should make it another one of those movies. But it should be about a mother who switches bodies with her son. But it’s not a comedy, it’s a drama — like a medical affliction. They’re upset the whole time. She’s in the bathroom in the morning, “I’m holding my son’s penis. It’s confusing.” And her son is in her body, he’s like, “I don’t want to be my mommy anymore. I don’t like how it feels.” And his dad comes home and he starts fucking ‘im. “Oh, God! What’s happening now? I don’t like this, but I don’t want to say no to my dad.” And then at the end of the movie, they never switch back.

[Laughter]

You guys were great, thank you very much for coming tonight. It was a pleasure talking to you. Get home safe. Thank you very, very much. Goodnight.

[Cheering and applause]